Photo: Senganen Gardens, Kagoshima, Japan 2016
I have always thought that writing is a prerogative of the unsettled: a reclusive escape from the clutches of social dogma and an exclusive playground for the mind that has waged war on stagnation of thought.
I scathingly wondered how anyone with an inner landscape that was crisp and clean, ironed and fresh, meticulously vacuumed and horrifyingly dull, could ever write anything worth reading at all. Only an intellect burdened almost debilitatingly with contemplation and reflection would be capable of churning out genuine works of art. I was so sure.
I held myself in such high esteem, convinced I would always be That Girl That Always Knows Exactly Who She Is. I thought of myself as a loving individual whom everyone seemed to take advantage of because I thought I had the exceedingly rare quality of loving without expecting anything in return.
At least I thought I could. Of course, I couldn’t, in the end.
I watched myself come apart, piece by piece, until a hollow nothingness occupied the space within my chest, and cast a looming shadow over my mind. For all the faith I had in myself to write as a cure for my every inner malady, I hated all the words I wrote. I was used to writing to empty out how I felt and what I thought, but this time… well, how can you empty out what’s already empty?
The thing that I had loved since I was a child, became the very thing I so greatly disdained. I decided that writing was vain, and shelved away the moleskines, diaries, and pieces of paper I had once loved to fill with words.
I am not here to proclaim that years later, after much struggle, I have reached That Place Where I Can Say I Know Myself.
I have simply discovered that the most genuine works of art in any trade or profession are able to melt away the multiple layers of self-constructed identity amongst human beings, to touch the very essence of the human soul, the shared humanity at our core.
This is me seeking to pick that pen up once more, and delving into my own core.
This is me hoping to become a genuine human being, unfettered, untethered, and unleashed.
Cheers. 🙂
